14. Capable

 Capable

            Feeling capable is not necessarily the same as being capable. I often don’t feel capable, that is, I don’t feel able to do something I know I can do. It feels too hard, or something has to be done first and I don’t feel ready to do that first step, or I can’t decide whether to do this thing or something else instead. Deciding between two or three or more choices feels too complicated. I can imagine being capable of doing something, but not actually able to do it. I chicken out. I imagine doing it, and imagining feels the same as if I’ve already done it. I forget that I’ve only thought about doing it, but haven’t really done it.

            I have been capable in the past. I have been able to multitask very successfully. But only in retrospect have I felt capable, when the doing has been done.