6. Sorrow

Sorrow

(At the beginning of November, I selected one word for each of the first ten days of the month for NaNoWriMo. I did not think about what day each date was, I did not consider that day 6 of November was the day after Election Day. So the fact that sorrow” is the word for the day after Election Day? What did my unconscious know that my consciousness didn’t? Was some MAGA-Trump mind sending out signals? Or was this just the sort of coincidence that mathematicians say happens all the time? I’ll go with the latter. Just to add, I did not write this on Day 6. I didn’t write it until Day 11. I will try to catch up over the next few days.)

            Sorrow and depression have much in common. A feeling of hopelessness. Wanting to cry, often. Feeling something is gone that shouldn’t be gone. Crying, again. Some people wail and sob aloud, beat their breast, rend their clothes—some religions even include these actions in their mourning rituals. Others curl into themselves, close up, don’t speak, shut the door. There is no right or wrong way to be sad. It is okay to be sad. There can be reasons to feel sad, and no one can say when sorrow is over. Sometimes it never is.

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It’s NaNoWriMo Day 6. I will be writing about feelings, because that is what I have the hardest time articulating. One feeling a day.

 

5. Regret

Regret

(At the beginning of November, I selected one word for each of the first ten days of the month for NaNoWriMo. I did not think about what day each date was, I did not consider that day 5 of November was Election Day. So the fact that “regret” is the word for Election Day? What did my unconscious know that my consciousness didn’t? Was some MAGA-Trump mind sending out signals? Or was this just the sort of coincidence that mathematicians say happens all the time? I’ll go with the latter. Just to add, I did not write this on Day 5. I didn’t write it until Day 11. I will try to catch up over the next few days.)

            Regret replays actions, or more often inactions, hoping in vain for a different result. Regret saps strength, it keeps me awake at night. It keeps the focus on the past, what wasn’t done, what should have been done, what should have been done differently. It distracts from the future, what can still be done.

            Why didn’t I say that? Why did I say this? Should I have gone to Pennsylvania to canvas voters? Should I have written more postcards? How many more of us should have canvassed, sent postcards, made phone calls? Would all of us have made the difference?

            But it didn’t happen. We didn’t do the things we now regret not having done. What if we had done them and he still had won? I would not have felt regret then, I would have felt more entitled to feel anger at the people who didn’t vote.

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It’s NaNoWriMo Day 5. I will be writing about feelings, because that is what I have the hardest time articulating. One feeling a day.

4. Distant

Distant

            Is “distant” really a feeling? Or is it a way to avoid feeling? I’ve often said that writing lets me get those feelings that bedevil or confuse me out of my head so I can make more sense of them. But am I also distancing myself from those feelings? Perhaps I'm being too hard on myself. If I can only identify my feelings by writing them down, isn’t making them somewhat distant a good thing for me?

            Distant is safer. Distant is useful. Distant is hiding. Distant is camouflage. Distant is protective. Distant is observant. Distant is watchful. Distant is spying on myself.

 

It’s NaNoWriMo Day 4. I will be writing about feelings, because that is what I have the hardest time articulating. One feeling a day.

3. Aggravated

Aggravated

            Was I merely aggravated when the laundry card didn’t work in one machine this evening? Or was I angry? What’s the difference? I yelled after the card gave me an error message when it worked in two other machines; I yelled, “Fuck!” That feels more like anger than aggravation. Aggravation is irritable, stronger than frustration, not as strong as anger. Anger is fire red; aggravation is a sickly maroon; frustration is a brownish green. Aggravation gnaws, it lingers, itching intermittently in hard to reach places. Aggravation kvetches, it complains in low tones repeatedly. Aggravation wants you to know there’s something wrong, you’d better fix it or else. 

It’s NaNoWriMo Day 3. I will be writing about feelings, because that is what I have the hardest time articulating. One feeling a day. 

 

2. Grief

Grief

            Loss, the never having again, never seeing, never hearing, never knowing, never, never, never, never, gone forever in material form, losing the connection, losing the “other.”

            Grief becomes common as I age. More people slip out of life at later ages and come holes in the world. I need to learn to accept loss as inevitable, as part of life as I go on living past the lives of others.

            Grief is a hollowness that never gets filled. It does not close; closure is a cliché that doesn’t warm. Grief is its own homecoming. It comes for all of us and takes different communal forms. I keep being drawn to abstraction, to reporting someone else’s experience, someone else’s feelings. The feeling inside is too chaotic. The language of closure implies a set way of feeling, a schedule to be followed. If you don’t follow the schedule you have fallen too far into grief. You have allowed grief to control you, you have lost control of your feelings, of yourself.

            Death is the ultimate loss of control, “you” are no longer here, only your body, cold, motionless, stiffening. The death of someone I love, or I have known for a long time, or a member of my nuclear family is the notice that it can happen to me. Perhaps I am next in line. The moment of my death is a mystery. Another loss of control.

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It’s NaNoWriMo Day 2. I will be writing about feelings, because that is what I have the hardest time articulating. One feeling a day.

Calm

It’s NaNoWriMo Day 1. I will be writing about feelings, because that is what I have the hardest time articulating. One feeling a day.

 

Calm

            A coworker once told me that I always seemed so calm, even though I had an extremely stressful job. I was perplexed. I did not feel at all calm. I often cried in the shower before I went to work. Why didn’t that show, in my demeanor, in my behavior?

            What is calm? Quietness. A sunny day. A smile or a facial expression that looks attentive. A low voice, not shouting. Relaxed limbs, hands folded loosely in the lap. Questions rather than commands.

            Is this how I appeared to my coworker? Did I intend to project this image? How I looked on the outside did not match what I felt on the inside. But I wasn’t always sure what to name how I felt.