2. Grief

Grief

            Loss, the never having again, never seeing, never hearing, never knowing, never, never, never, never, gone forever in material form, losing the connection, losing the “other.”

            Grief becomes common as I age. More people slip out of life at later ages and come holes in the world. I need to learn to accept loss as inevitable, as part of life as I go on living past the lives of others.

            Grief is a hollowness that never gets filled. It does not close; closure is a cliché that doesn’t warm. Grief is its own homecoming. It comes for all of us and takes different communal forms. I keep being drawn to abstraction, to reporting someone else’s experience, someone else’s feelings. The feeling inside is too chaotic. The language of closure implies a set way of feeling, a schedule to be followed. If you don’t follow the schedule you have fallen too far into grief. You have allowed grief to control you, you have lost control of your feelings, of yourself.

            Death is the ultimate loss of control, “you” are no longer here, only your body, cold, motionless, stiffening. The death of someone I love, or I have known for a long time, or a member of my nuclear family is the notice that it can happen to me. Perhaps I am next in line. The moment of my death is a mystery. Another loss of control.

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It’s NaNoWriMo Day 2. I will be writing about feelings, because that is what I have the hardest time articulating. One feeling a day.